Stupid

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While reading an e-book from Andrea Owen in her Kick Your Gremlin’s Ass coaching, I came across this quote. It hit me hard. You see, this is me.

I am completely and utterly afraid of looking stupid. In front of anyone. Everyone. Just me.

Yes, just me. I am absolutely my worst critic.

I know why I have this fear. It isn’t some secret. It stems from my childhood. My parents weren’t stupid, but in each of their own ways, they weren’t that smart either. They stayed in the life of blaming everyone else for what they didn’t know and how their life ended up.

Simple things from my childhood have come up since I left on my own that make me feel utterly stupid because it is what I was told or the impression I was given by my parents. For instance, my mom would get out of the shower and say that a “spitter” has joined her. For most of my life, I thought she meant a spitting spider. It wasn’t until I started hearing others say they found a spider in the shower that I started getting curious. My mother was just saying spider in a different way.

Except, to me, it wasn’t just different. It was absolutely childish and stupid of her to say. So I never wanted to be that stupid. I try my damndest to say every word correctly. I do not want to mispronounce or change the way a word is said because I don’t want to look or sound stupid.

I won’t ask for help in stores. I won’t admit if I don’t know something. I won’t admit if I don’t know how to do something. I do not want to look stupid.

I refuse to be considered stupid.

I mean, it hurts with everything I am to look stupid. I get the worst gut wrenching feeling if I think someone might think I’m stupid or acting stupid. I mean, I can’t even let myself be silly because I don’t want to look stupid.

And then the lightbulb went off when I saw this quote.

Who’s definition of stupid am I afraid of?

Who truly might think I’m stupid? This, this right here is why I’ve let myself be trapped in my fear of looking stupid.

But if I stay hidden behind this fear, I’m not going to live my best life. I am not going to be the happy person I want to be. I cannot work on everything else that I struggle with and not work on this fear.

I have no answers of how I’m going to work on this specific fear. I have no insight to share of the steps to take to overcome it. But I can share what steps I’m taking within just a couple hours of reading this quote that will be a step in changing my life.

I’m writing this post. I’m admitting my fear. Putting it out there.

I’m printing this quote and putting it up by my makeup station to read every morning.

I am going to challenge myself so my inner critic can tell me that I look stupid, and then I’m going to work through that.

I’m going to enlist my husband in helping me.

I will start to ask for help in stores.

I will allow people to help me.

I don’t know why it took so long for a quote to illuminate this lightbulb, but I’m going to embrace that it has finally happened. I am going to work through the gut wrenching pain and anxiety.

I am going to take back my life and live it the best that I can.

I am going to face the fear of looking stupid head on.

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