Frustrated

My recovery from my L5-S1 spinal fusion is hitting three months post-op tomorrow. It feels momentous. It feels depressing. It is frustrating.

I read so many accounts of slow recoveries after surgery and kept thinking to myself that I wouldn’t sit in the season, I would work to recover better and faster. I have. I am recovering faster than most do.

But I’m still frustrated.

I want to be able to move however I want. I want to be able to lift a case of water again. Or even the bag of dog food from the bottom of the cart into the 4Runner. I want to workout without crazy modifications.

I want my life back.

The thing is, I have more of my life back today than I had right before surgery. But I’m impatient. I know what level of strength I once had and what I want to get back to. I absolutely hate relying on other people to do things for me.

I am frustrated.

When I stop to think where I am in my recovery, I can’t help but be grateful. Even though I’m frustrated. I have conflicting feelings and most likely will for at least a few more months. These feelings are what nobody could have prepared me for. I’m more stubborn and difficult to keep down than a lot of people. I am not living in the season of recovery. I am pushing through the season of healing to the season of ability.

I know where I’ve been. I know where I want to go. I know I can get there. I merely need to learn how to be patient.

This surgery has given me so much back. I am grateful I am in recovery because without it, I would still be in pain. I am grateful that I know I will get back to my full ability, possibly more than I ever had.

I will.

 

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