Hiding

If you will not reveal yourself to others, you cannot reveal yourself to yourself.
Jordan B. Peterson

I have been hiding for many years. In fact, I have been hiding for so long, that I am only beginning to learn who I truly am and what I truly want from life.

I hid from everyone else because I’m ashamed of my childhood. I hid because I didn’t feel worthy of being known. I hid because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone else. I hid because I was taught that my voice doesn’t matter. I hid because I wasn’t important.

I learned to hide at a very young age. I learned that if I hid, I wouldn’t get yelled at or blamed for this or that. I learned that if I hid, there was just a little less fighting.

Once we learn to hide, it is absolutely one of the most difficult things to learn to change. I didn’t start changing my need to hide until my husband pointed out that me putting everything aside to not inconvenience others is just ludicrous. Even with him pointing it out, change isn’t happening fast.

Why not? Because I hadn’t put a focus on trying to change. I just kept on hiding. It hurts to reveal myself. I feel like I’ve royally fucked up anytime I truly put focus on myself. I feel like I’m being selfish and inconsiderate by revealing myself and my desires.

In my case, hiding means I get to stay in a safe zone. I get to stay where it is comfortable. Hiding is the easy part. Even if it hurts that people walk all over me.

I know that  I have a lot to do to be able to fully reveal myself. I know that progress takes one step at a time. I know that as I slowly continue to reveal myself, I will have to work through the uncomfortableness that has prevented me in the past. I know that I will start to change. I know that not everybody I associate with will be understanding or accepting of me revealing who I am and becoming a louder presence. I know there will be setbacks. I know specific situations will be more challenging to get through.

Regardless of all the difficulty of learning to reveal myself and pushing through the uncomfortableness, I know that I will have a more fulfilled life on the other side. The progress I’ve made so far is laying the foundation of where I’m going. I’m going to rewrite my story. I’m going to retrain my mind and body to react differently when I make myself known. I know that I will be a better person for myself every step I take.

I know that hiding is not how I want to live my life forever. Today is the day to take another step. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

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