Because I Want To

A few weeks ago I was on a camping trip with family and friends and wanted to go hike to this cave that was along the road. It wasn’t a big cave and didn’t have an established hike, but it looked cool.

My friend and I went to scope it out and see if it was even possible to hike to. Yes, it was. For a couple of us. The hike was more than some of the children could do. It would have meant splitting our group and leaving some who might have wanted to do it with me, at camp to watch the children.

As we are sitting in my 4Runner looking at the hike, deciding if it can be done, I decide no. I don’t want to leave people out just because I want to do something. I put aside what I wanted to do because I didn’t want to leave anybody behind. My friend asked why.

Why wouldn’t I do something I wanted to do?

Because I can’t find it in my heart to leave others out. It kills me to not include everybody within our group when we do things. I don’t want to piss anybody off. I don’t want to make someone feel left out.

As I write this, I feel all those feels just thinking about doing the hike without everybody.

Which means I put myself aside for others. Again. I keep doing it. I continue to put anything about me aside so I make sure other people are happy and taken care of or aren’t left out.

It’s like I’m telling myself that I don’t matter. Me. I am the one doing this.

We have another camping trip coming up to a hot spring with a campground. I want to go on some trails and explore the area during the day, then enjoy the hot springs at night. Well, the family that is coming doesn’t have the ability to leave their camp behind as their camp is their vehicle.

I am struggling with what I am going to do the day that we have together. Do I sit around the camp because they can’t all fit in my vehicle with our gear? Do I completely empty everything from my vehicle to squeeze them in? How do I do this??

I wanted this trip to be fun and have the ability to explore a new state. I didn’t intend to sit at camp all day.

What am I going to do? Do I go do the things and not worry about them? Do I put my wants aside to make sure they aren’t left out?

If I look at all the work I’m doing on and within myself, my answer should be that I do as I intended the trip to be. I go explore. If they can’t come, they can make their own fun. But just typing that makes me feel like an ass.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I sure am stressing about it. This is definitely an area that I need to work on more.

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