I am me, regardless of my weight.
I am me, regardless of my salary.
I am me, regardless of my job.
I am me, regardless of who my immediate family is.
I am me and that is who I will be.
I am me and I am learning to be comfortable with who I am.
I have spent most of my life trying to be someone else. I was a chameleon trying to change who I was to fit who I was around and the situation I was in. I was never true to myself. I was changing and blending so much that I lost who I was.
I was lost. I have been lost since I was a teenager, probably even before. I was never truly myself. I knew deep down there was a picture of who I wanted to be, but that person was so far away, that I didn’t think I would ever actually be able to be her. I thought that person was someone who had to stay hidden so I could be what others wanted me to be.
I started drinking to fit in. I drank A LOT. I partied. I buried my introvert so deep she had no idea how to come back out.
I kept drinking and partying because I made friends that way. I made friends everywhere I went because I was free and happy and lively.
I made friends, but I didn’t truly connect with people. They let me in, but I kept everyone at an arm’s length, or farther. I wasn’t willing to let anybody see who I truly was or where I was from. I didn’t know who I was. I was ashamed of where I was from.
I wasn’t me.
I got tired. Everything I buried away started creeping in. I started feeling again. It sucked. I hated it and tried to drown my feelings with more partying. Except that didn’t work. I really wasn’t happy. I didn’t know who I was or what I truly wanted out of life.
Until I gave in. I started working on myself. I started working on the hell of my past. I started letting people in, just a little bit. I let Eddie in and he crushed every fucking wall. I was caught in this space of not knowing who I was and being this party girl who checked all the boxes depending on who I was with.
Then I leaned in farther. I explored the feelings. I found others like me. I started to learn who that person that I pictured could be. I started to see her more clearly until I finally invited her to be part of my life.
I never thought it would be possible to be comfortable in who I was or am. I have a lot of regrets in life and one of my biggest is not learning to truly be who I am earlier in life.
I still struggle to overcome the chameleon, but every day that I lean into me is another day that my love for myself grows. It started with a baby step, then another, then another, and another. Baby step after baby step brings me to who I am today.
I still have a lot of growing to do, but I can truly, confidently say I am me.
I am me and that is who I will be. I am for me. I am me.