Sabotage

I’m sabotaging myself. Yeah, you read that right. I have realized that I quickly and frequently sabotage myself in many, many ways. The most common is in my professional career. 

What do I mean? In Believe IT by Jamie Kern Lima, she states, “…we all have a deep belief about our own value, and anytime we achieve something that’s above what we think we deserve, we sabotage it.” So how am I sabotaging my professional career? Well, one of my top employees gave his notice a few weeks ago, and I went down a spiral of all of the reasons why I need to leave as well. I’m not going to share all of those reasons here because some of them are reasons that I should leave, but what I will tell you is that I was ready to look on LinkedIn to find another job that may be a step backward for my career. Yeah, backward.

I didn’t realize what I was doing until I showed Eddie a job that would be awesome but was a step back, AND I read the above quote in Believe IT. And once I read the quote, my world came crashing down on me. I’ve been looking for a way to sabotage my career and the growth I’ve achieved in the past year.

You see, I when from Senior Project Manager with no reports to Director of Project Management and Operations with three direct reports and two secondary reports. When I was promoted, my new manager told me that he could see me as Vice President of Operations. VP guys! What the actual fuck?! Who in their right mind could see me as a VP? It appears both my new manager and the one that campaigned for my promotion as he moved onto another company to grow from SVP to COO.

There are things about the company and environment that I am in that would justify me looking for another job with another company. I am sure there will always be things like this at any company I am at. But, there is not a single reason to jump ship in a hurry for a role that would be a step backward.

I am sabotaging myself. Why? Well, when I was promoted, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t ready for the promotion. I’m not speaking professionally; I’m speaking emotionally. I have spent all of my life with the single goal to be able to support myself in life and not settle for living a life of poverty. That goal was developed to do more in life than my parents ever did. I never wanted to end up like them. Ever.

I am 35 now, and I have been making more money than either of my parents made in a year since my early 20s. I also have not borrowed money from a family member, other than as a gift that they chose to give me, since my early-20s. I have more than achieved the goal of being able to support myself many years ago. I have also achieved the goal of not living a life of poverty. So, why do I keep doubting myself when I continue to achieve more and more in my professional career?

Because I have not developed the mindset of the worthiness of my achievements and success. My mindset is stuck somewhere in the nether of not being worthy of professional success up the corporate ladder. I never imagined or dreamt of climbing the ladder. I seriously didn’t think it was possible for me. And now that I am, I am in this lost mindset trying to determine who I am and what I want while also continuing where I am right now. 

Who am I when no one is watching? I’m figuring that out. Who am I when everyone is watching? Yeah, gotta work on that too. What do I want out of life? Um, yeah, about that. I have no idea. 

What I do know is that I am so freaking sad that I am sabotaging myself, that I am limiting myself. When will this fucking stop?! I don’t think it ever will. I believe that I will continue to have to work at it every time something in my life changes, every time I achieve something, every time I fail at something, every single day.

What is my deep belief about my value? I don’t know. I can’t define it right now. I want to cry, and I tear up when I think about that question. What is this deep belief that keeps me living below my potential? When am I going to raise the bar of what I believe my value is?

I don’t have answers to any of these questions; I am just happy that I finally figured out what the fuck I keep doing to myself. 

Are you sabotaging yourself because of some deep value that you don’t realize you have about yourself?

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