If you will not reveal yourself to others, you cannot reveal yourself to yourself.
Jordan B. Peterson

I have been hiding for many years. In fact, I have been hiding for so long, that I am only beginning to learn who I truly am and what I truly want from life.

I hid from everyone else because I’m ashamed of my childhood. I hid because I didn’t feel worthy of being known. I hid because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone else. I hid because I was taught that my voice doesn’t matter. I hid because I wasn’t important.

I learned to hide at a very young age. I learned that if I hid, I wouldn’t get yelled at or blamed for this or that. I learned that if I hid, there was just a little less fighting.

Once we learn to hide, it is absolutely one of the most difficult things to learn to change. I didn’t start changing my need to hide until my husband pointed out that me putting everything aside to not inconvenience others is just ludicrous. Even with him pointing it out, change isn’t happening fast.

Why not? Because I hadn’t put a focus on trying to change. I just kept on hiding. It hurts to reveal myself. I feel like I’ve royally fucked up anytime I truly put focus on myself. I feel like I’m being selfish and inconsiderate by revealing myself and my desires.

In my case, hiding means I get to stay in a safe zone. I get to stay where it is comfortable. Hiding is the easy part. Even if it hurts that people walk all over me.

I know that  I have a lot to do to be able to fully reveal myself. I know that progress takes one step at a time. I know that as I slowly continue to reveal myself, I will have to work through the uncomfortableness that has prevented me in the past. I know that I will start to change. I know that not everybody I associate with will be understanding or accepting of me revealing who I am and becoming a louder presence. I know there will be setbacks. I know specific situations will be more challenging to get through.

Regardless of all the difficulty of learning to reveal myself and pushing through the uncomfortableness, I know that I will have a more fulfilled life on the other side. The progress I’ve made so far is laying the foundation of where I’m going. I’m going to rewrite my story. I’m going to retrain my mind and body to react differently when I make myself known. I know that I will be a better person for myself every step I take.

I know that hiding is not how I want to live my life forever. Today is the day to take another step. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.


I’ve been keeping a secret for the past eight months. Only a few people know about it because of the shame I’m working through. And to fully work through the shame, I need to share the secret.

Get it out.

I took a step last week and posted a picture with my secret. I put it out there.

I’m letting myself own the change. I’m leaning in. I’m working through the shame that I feel. I shouldn’t feel shame. This is absolutely self-imposed shame. But not shame I would put on anyone else. Just myself.

So what is the secret?

After only six years, I am back in glasses/contacts.

I had lasik done in October 2012 and the immediate results were amazing. I couldn’t ever remembering seeing so well without the aid of glasses or contacts.

But in the last year or so, I’ve noticed things were blurrier. I couldn’t see across Home Depot or Costco. Low light made it extremely difficult to see as well as I thought I should. The computer words were getting more blurry.

I was in denial for a very long time. I blamed it on different things such as having had a glass of wine or font size or poor lighting. But I finally decided to get my eyes checked. I’m back to 20/30 with my right eye astigmatism.

When I picked out my glasses, I wanted to pick something different than I used to. So I chose a fully plastic frame. Once I got it, I was couldn’t stand how they fit or looked on me. It has seriously taken me eight months to get the fit almost right. But they still give me headaches. And my eyes don’t really like contacts either.

But I digress. Why was I so ashamed of my glasses? Why did I let this shame take over?

Because I felt like I would be judged for being back in glasses after such a short period of time since I had lasik. I also feel like I wasted that money on lasik since it only last six years. I felt like I did something wrong to cause my eyesight to go again. I keep blaming the IVF treatments, although I know IVF probably isn’t the cause.

I don’t want people to judge me or ridicule me because I’m back in glasses. I don’t want attention drawn to me due to people asking “didn’t you have lasik?”

So I kept the secret. But, keeping the secret has made my life more difficult in trying to hide my glasses and not being able to see as clearly as much as I should.

This is definitely a shame situation I’m working through. It isn’t easy. I can think of specific people that I feel like I’ve let down. But I haven’t. I have not let anybody down because my eyes have a mind of their own.

I know I could get a touch up. I want to wait and see if my eyes continue to change. I don’t want to waste more money on lasik if my eyes just can’t stay corrected.

I know I’m probably not the only one who has worn glasses again after lasik. But what I feel, is that I’m the only one that lasik only helped for about six years. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. That is where the shame comes in.

Shame is a cruel feeling. It takes over.

But I’m working on taking my life back from shame. I am sick and tired of feeling ashamed for everything. Here is one step towards living with less shame in my life.