I Am Truly Blessed

My birthday is coming up and my mother-in-law and two of my sister-in-laws asked me what I wanted. I honestly had no idea what to tell them. Things that I want at this point of my life are pretty expensive because I simply buy the little things. Right now, what I want includes a new camera body or additional mods to add to my 4Runner. I would never ask them for any of that because I don’t want them to spend that much money on me.

As I sat trying to figure out what to tell them, I realized how truly blessed I am. I go through my life every single day writing down the simple things I am grateful for from the last 24 hours and acknowledging other things I am grateful for as I am finishing my morning meditation, but I don’t stop and think about everything I am truly blessed with. These days, with the economy the way it is and people losing their jobs because of COVID, I am at what feels like, a unique spot in life. I am blessed to still have my well paying job with a company that is continuing to break barriers in our industry.

I am also blessed to have my home and all of our stuff that we can simply purchase as we want or need. Compared to when I was growing up, I don’t have to go without anything. If I want something, I buy it or I save and buy it. I am healthy, have what I need or want, and live in a safe place.

You know that saying ‘stop and smell the roses’, well, the same applies to gratitude. Stop and take notice of what you are blessed with. Be grateful for whatever you have along with your health. There are people who are far less fortunate than we are. I am truly blessed and grateful for everything.

Fear of the Future

I sat down tonight to work on my road map to accomplish my dreams. I sat down to listen to Rachel Hollis explain how she does it and during the meditation, a realization hit me in the face. I am afraid of the future. I am afraid to fully let myself dream and see myself in that dream. I’ve been holding myself back because I can’t see myself in the future that I’m trying to create for myself.

I’m still stuck in the future that we left behind. I’m stuck and I haven’t allowed myself to grieve and move on the way I need to. I have let my fear of a different future hold me back.

The future I am stuck in has us raising children. I don’t know why I’m stuck there, we have made the decision and I’m truly happy with the decision to not have children. Maybe there’s a part of me that still wants to feel the baby growing within me. Maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go just yet.

I am happy without children. I have found oh so many blessings in not having children. I couldn’t consciously imagine having children anymore, it just isn’t part of my life. But when I daydream as I’m falling asleep, I can’t envision a different future.

I have spent so much of my life daydreaming different scenarios of having children. I have spent so many sleepless nights conjuring up these amazing futures in imagination of children and happiness.

But I haven’t pivoted those dreams. I haven’t pivoted those thoughts right as I fall asleep. I haven’t fully allowed myself to move on.

As I was listening to Rachel, I realized that I have been fearful of the unknown. I don’t know people in my inner circle who have lived child-free lives. I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t know where I want to be in five years let alone ten years. I haven’t allowed myself to fully dream the new dreams.

I have work to do. I am going to get back to this video and start working on dreaming up my new future. I am going to push through the fear of the unknown to create a new future, even if I don’t have any examples of what I’m going to dream up.

Where do you see yourself in five years? What about ten years?