Comparison

I was talking to a friend the other day about goals and what we need to do to achieve them. We were specifically talking about the things we can do on social media to get more of a reach. He had mentioned that he doesn’t like being in his social pictures with his product because he doesn’t want someone to see him and not buy his product because he doesn’t think he is likable. For a minute I was flabbergasted because I don’t know how anyone wouldn’t like him, but then I realized, I’ve had similar thoughts. These are thoughts of comparison. We are comparing ourselves to those who have come before us in the industry that we are trying to break into.

For me, the comparison comes from years of bullying during school and from my parents. It also comes from years of me bullying myself because of my lack of self-esteem. For others, the root behind their comparison isn’t as easy to figure out. When we can’t easily figure out why we are comparing ourselves to others, we can go into a dark place and have a hell of a time getting out of it. 

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Free

I’ve always wanted to be like that girl who is free from judgement or care about judgement and is just herself. You know that girl who dances like nobody is watching, laughs as loud as her laugh comes out, is silly, can pick up and randomly do whatever, says what is on her mind, and just lives her life like there isn’t a care in the world? That girl. I have always been envious of how she just does it.

I mean, how does she? How does she not care what everybody else thinks? Was she one of the popular girls in school who teased and bullied the rest of us for doing just that? Did she have parents who encouraged her to be herself? How in the hell does she do it?

I have no fucking clue.

What I do know is that I still want to be that girl. I want to be free. And as I write that, I hear Zach Brown Band’s song Free playing in my mind. Specifically, “Just as free, Free as we’ll ever be.” I see a girl dancing and twirling and laughing. I see a girl who is laid back and chill. I don’t see me.

I have lived my life in fear of being teased or ridiculed. The bullying I encountered when I was young has stuck with me all of these years. I might slip and be free and enjoy it and then I realize people are around me and I freeze up. I rein it all back in and shut it down. My fear of being bullied takes over.

What would happen if I didn’t shut down? What would my husband think of me? My friends? My in-laws? My coworkers? Will they think I’m immature? Will they ask me what the hell I’m doing? I don’t know. I doubt it. I mean, I can be that way when I’m drunk, like shit faced drunk, and haven’t heard anything bad about it. So why can’t I be that free sober?

Fear.

Fear shuts me down in so many ways. Today, I want to say no more. Today, I want to be free. Today, I am going to start opening myself up a little more so I can reach that free feeling I’ve always envied. I’m going to grow into this free and happy person that I want to be. How? Little by little.