I am not smart. I am not worthy. I am not capable. I am not deserving. I don’t work hard enough. I’m not from the right school or family. I am not.
I could go on and on about who or what I am not. In fact, I can bring up feelings of who I am not that I can’t even put words to. More often than not, I tell myself I am not something. Why? That is the negative, fixed mindset that I have overcome and continue to battle.
Giving yourself credit isn’t easy. At least, for me, it’s not. I always had the impression that if I were to give myself credit for anything, I would be conceited and stuck up and too into myself. It wasn’t acceptable in my mind. What was acceptable, was brushing off any accomplishment like it was no big deal to me. Not making a big deal about anything and everything was the way I lived my life.
So I would get extremely uncomfortable when someone would praise me. Like, I wanted to hide and make it stop kind of uncomfortable. I wanted people to be proud of me, but I was uncomfortable hearing it. I wanted people to know that I am a badass employee, but I didn’t want to vocalize it. I wanted people to know that I give and I give and I give, but I didn’t want to tell them.
I couldn’t even muster up being proud of myself or saying I did well at something. It was way easier to bitch about when I failed or did something wrong that when I crushed that certification or helped that friend.
I didn’t want the spotlight. The spotlight was uncomfortable.
I was holding myself back. I was making myself small. I was diminishing everything about me before I would allow myself to be proud of anything I did.
It wasn’t working. I was holding myself back from greatness. I was holding myself back from my future.
Slowly I am starting to give myself credit. Slowly I am starting to brag about my accomplishments. I have so much more ahead of me in my life that I can accomplish if I just start giving myself credit for my past accomplishments and my current endeavors.
I graduated from college with my Bachelor in Business Administration – Big deal, so many people do that. Yeah, they do. I am the only one out of my immediate family to do so. I chose school rather than fulfilling my mother’s desire of: “just wait until after you get your diploma to get pregnant.”
I graduated from college with my Master in Business Administration – Big deal, so many people do that. Yeah, they do. But I did it while being at the height of my drinking and party days, moving states, changing jobs, and oh by the way, that wasn’t even in my cards when I was growing up.
I got married before considering having children – Big deal, that’s the normal way of life. It might be, but for my upbringing, it wasn’t. My mother didn’t graduate high school and had my older sister young. My older sister got pregnant right after high school. An aunt got pregnant right around finishing high school (if I recall correctly). My other sister got pregnant before she got married.
I keep climbing with my professional career – Big deal, you aren’t the only one. No, I am not. But I am me and I could choose to stay in a lower-paying, unfulfilling job, or I can choose to keep finding something new that fuels my passion while also allowing me to have a life and be paid well.
I passed my PMP on my first attempt – That test was fucking hard. You take it, tell me it was easy.
I have so much more to be proud of. I quit drinking. I have found personal development and personal growth and have changed my life. We bought a house. We are remodeling our home. I’m working on starting two businesses. I bought my dream vehicle. I am finding more and more of my own passions and I am going for them.
I can and will climb parts of a corporate ladder and I will continue to find more fulfilling jobs. I am going to be offered a position, maybe two, in less than two weeks of being laid off from a job I enjoyed. I am powerful and I am capable. I can do anything I want. And I’ll do it.
How did I change my mindset? By changing my thoughts. Anytime I shied away from being celebrated, I’ve started to lean in. Anytime I would normally knock down praise, I leaned into it. Anytime something bad happened, I leaned into the positive side of the situation. I changed how I reacted.
I’m not where I want to be yet and where I want to get to may come off as conceited, but I don’t care. I am powerful and I am capable and it is about fucking time I start giving myself credit.