Most of my life, I’ve always diminished my successes when I am speaking about them. Alright, all of my life. I have also diminished my health or personal issues. When someone else congratulates me or brags about me with me around, I try to minimize the effect. Why? Because I haven’t wanted to stand out and be considered conceited.
Throughout my childhood, I grew up with extreme negativity surrounding any kind of accomplishment. My parents hated on anybody who was successful or in a better place than them. So, even though I knew I wanted more, I didn’t want to stand out for it. I kept myself hiding in the shadows.
Once it started, I kept myself hiding in the shadows for everything. I didn’t want to be recognized for any successes other than financially on my paycheck. I didn’t want to stand out because I have back issues, or any issues for the matter. I minimized anything I could about me.
I didn’t want to be noticed.
I was afraid that if I was noticed, I would either end up being just like my parents who used every ailment to suck the life out of others or that I’d be the one that people hated because of my successes. Now, I’ve minimized myself so much that I feel small and like the world is crushing me. I’m afraid to be myself. I’m afraid to celebrate.
I’ve been afraid to cheer myself on. I’ve been afraid to celebrate myself. I didn’t want others to do it. I’ve wondered why I feel so awkward in so many situations and I believe one of the reasons is that I’ve tried so fucking hard not to be noticed.
What is wrong with be noticed? What is wrong with standing out? What is wrong with being celebrated?
I should be celebrating myself. I should be noticed. I should let others celebrate me.
I am not my parents and the world is not my parents. My parents needed help that they would never acknowledge or receive. That doesn’t mean I should diminish myself for people who aren’t even in my life anymore.
I am going to start cheering myself on. I am learning who I am and how to not be ashamed of me. I will let others cheer me on.
I will celebrate me.
I will be my own cheerleader.