Infertility 5 Years In

It’s been a while since I have talked about infertility and I had something that triggered me, so I thought I would talk it out with you. If you are on the infertility journey, this conversation may be a trigger for you.


I Am A Vault

I am a vault for all of my friends’ problems. I am a vault for anybody’s problems.

I haven’t always been this way though. My need to be liked and my craving for people caused me to break barriers I never thought I would. It also caused me to do anything to keep the attention of anybody who I thought might care for me, even when it caused other people grief. Then I learned. I learned what I did wrong. It took years to realize I was part of the problem.

Since then, I’ve made a commitment to myself and silently to my friends and family that I will never share anything that might be gossip or something they told me in confidence. I won’t join in on anybody complaining about others.

I am a vault and I take in other people’s problems like a sponge. A sponge that can never be wrung out.

As I have learned from experience, I have learned how to help other’s face their problems. Because of this, my friends tell me all of their problems. We have a little quad and I am the one most of them come to when they need to talk or need to get something off of their mind. If they are having trouble with a significant other, I am one of the few to hear about it. They know that I will not share with the others.

Some of my family, my oh so messy family, trusts me the same way. Some, don’t care who they tell what to. If any of my family members tell me something I know they don’t want everybody else knowing, then nobody will ever hear it from me. How do I know what they care about being shared and what they don’t? By who they tell it to. There are some people in our family who don’t keep any secrets. If they know, then I still generally refuse to gossip about it.

Through the years I have learned what gossip and over-sharing can get me. It hasn’t been pretty. I’ve lost dear friends. I’ve been dumb.

I can’t fix problems, but I am a vault of other people’s problems and those people know they can always come to me.

Consistency And Stability

My parents got divorced when I was 12. Every year after that, my mother moved us to a new home or moved our trailer to a new location. We were always moving. Gone were the days of any consistency with life. Stability? Yeah that didn’t exist either.

I moved out when I was 17 and moved frequently for a few years after that. I think the longest I was in one place was when I lived in Ohio for 22 months. Once I moved out on my own, I also changed doctors and hairstylists frequently. Nothing was really consistent in my life, except for a couple of friends.

I lived with Eddie at his mom’s house for 18 months and then we moved to Utah. I stayed with some friends at the time for a few months (Eddie was traveling 100 percent of the time for work), then we got an apartment. Then we bought a house. We moved into this house in March of 2014.

The most consistent and stable things in my life have been two friendships, my almost nine year relationship with Eddie, raising Chloe for seven years, living in our home for six years, and my hairstylist, dentist, and chiropractor of six years.

I realized the other day that my life is finally changing to what I always dreamed it would be and that is probably because I am finally consistent with a few things in my life. For me, my life always felt like it was in turmoil, nothing was ever just good.

Our home is still in renovation mode and we still have things we need to pay off, but that is okay. This is our little piece of heaven and stability that I’ve always craved. We have a built a life of stability that I almost thought I would never have. I built a desire to have more than what I grew up with and I have it.

I don’t think I would have been able to truly care for my health or my emotions, or even quit drinking if I didn’t have this stability and consistency in my life. I wouldn’t be here today.

A lot of people don’t think twice about how long they’ve lived somewhere or how long they have been going to the same dentist or hairstylist, but I do. I mean, until this dentist, I NEVER got cleanings because I wasn’t raised doing it. My hairstylist met me when I was more particular and a pain in the ass than ever and embraced keeping me as a client. When I realized how long I’ve been with her, I got emotional. Yeah, yeah, it could have been the period hormones, but I truly appreciate the consistency I’ve had with her. She is dear to me and we’ve been through some life together. Unless we moved states, which isn’t happening anytime soon, I don’t think I could leave her.

Being able to look back and see where I’ve come from to where I am today is kind of overwhelming. Holy crap, I just teared up. I can look back at all of the instability and inconsistency in my life and feel so much gratitude for where I am today.

If you are in the throws of instability and inconsistency, I want you to know that you can have both stability and consistency in your life. It doesn’t happen easy and it doesn’t happen overnight. If you are here reading this, you are showing yourself that you want more. The key to getting that more is taking life one step at a time. Start buying laying the first brick of your new foundation.

What is your picture of stability and consistency? Is it a consistent place to live, a consistent relationship, or even a consistent job? Lay one brick at a time. Find a place that gives you almost everything you look for in a home. For me, it was a yard, close to stores, space for guests, space for an office, and a garage. Lay one brick buy finding that place within your budget. You might have to get something that needs work, but that’s okay too.

You can get the consistency and stability you want in your life. One brick at a time. That’s how I have both in my life.