Self-Rejection

Now that we’ve talked about growing your own way, making the most of yourself, and learning and growing little by little, I want to talk about self-rejection. 

Self-rejection, not to be confused with self-reflection, is something we do, sometimes without even noticing it. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I started to learn what self-rejection is without actually having a term for it. Even once I started to learn, I didn’t apply it to my whole life. I only focused on it for my career. I didn’t even have the capacity to understand that it was something that I did in most of my life.

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Episode 7: Self-Rejection

Failing Imperfectly
Episode 7: Self-Rejection
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It is so easy to hold ourselves back when we reject what we can do and who we are. It’s time to stop rejecting yourself.

Go Your Own Way

I was recently browsing a Facebook group for a couple of different inspirational influencers that I follow and I was shocked at the hate that people were laying down for other people. It’s as though these people expected the influencer that they follow to stay in the lane that brought them to the influencer. My gut reaction was that I wanted to defend the influencer and tell them how rude they are being. Then I realized a couple of different things.

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Episode 4: Go Your Own Way

Failing Imperfectly
Episode 4: Go Your Own Way
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When we follow others, we open ourselves up for things that don’t serve us. It’s time to let those go and go your own way.

Rise to Your Potential

Never let a good crisis go to waste. It’s the universe challenging you to learn something new and rise to the next level of your potential.”

Kristen Ulmer

I read this quote in Tribe of Mentors by Tim Ferriss and immediately it dawned on me that this is life right now. We are all living in this pandemic, this crisis. Life is challenging for everyone right now, some much more so than others. Either we can lean into this challenge and come out of it better than we came in, or we can stay stuck in the challenge and how we’ve been impacted.

I’m not going to lie. Other than not being able to get out into the mountains, I’m enjoying being “stuck” at home. I am blessed that I get to enjoy this time. I am not sick with the horrible effects of COVID-19, nor have I lost my job and am financially struggling. I am in my home, working on renovations, working at my awesome job enriching the lives of seniors, spending time with my husband and pups. I am blessed.

So how does this quote actually apply to my life?

This crisis has taken away some of my excuses for not being able to work on my dreams. It has also given me the ability to refinance and put more money into my home. The crisis has given me more opportunities to grow, both personally and professionally.

I am being challenged and my fire is burning brighter to bring this blog into something more than I’ve trudged along with. I’m being challenged to expand my way of thinking and conquer my fears.

When Kristen wrote the above quote, I am sure she had no idea what would come in just a few short years (the book was published in 2017). Nobody did. What she had was the experience of personal crises that led her to develop her next level potential. I believe that Kristen’s quote can apply to almost any crisis. The only qualifier is how each one of us looks at whatever crises we are living through.

The crisis today is the pandemic and the many stay at home orders that have been enacted across the country and the world. Life has changed dramatically in just a few short weeks. Or long weeks depending on how you look at them. This crisis is challenging every single human in one way or another. Most of us will come out of it. The question is, what will have changed for us personally when we do?

How are you going to use this crisis, this pandemic, to grow and come out the other side stronger? Are you even going to use this time to grow? Or are you going to sit at home and whine about how shitty it is that we can’t go shopping or out to eat or to hang out with other people? How are you going to leverage this time?

I’ll tell you what I’m doing to leverage it. I’m working my ass off. I’m working for the company I get a paycheck from to enrich the lives of seniors AND I’m working on my personal goals. I’m not giving up and complaining about what was normal and what I can’t have. I’m creating my own new normal. My new normal makes life different than just a few weeks ago and will have my life different as we come out of the crisis.

Are you still taking for granted all of the blessings you have?

Are you only complaining about what you can’t do?

Are you only recognizing the pain in our world?

Are you ignoring what opportunities have been opened by being home more?

Are you forgetting that this is temporary, even if that temporary is longer than you want?

Are you ignoring the fact that we as a society always come out to the other side?

What are you focusing your mind on?

Have you even stopped to ponder anything other than your frustrations?

Yes, this pandemic fucking sucks. Yes, people are dying, Yes, people have lost their jobs. Yes, people are working in shitty conditions. Yes, our economy is not as strong as it was. Yes, yes, yes. There is so much struggle and pain in this crisis. Yes, we need to acknowledge that. But those people who are working our asses off don’t need us to dwell on the pain and the struggle. They need us to get our shit together so we can come out the other side.

Getting our shit together will look different for every single person. Getting our shit together may be as simple as not going out just to go out. Getting our shit together may be going after those goals and dreams that we keep putting aside because that will help our economy in the long-run OR it might help one of those people working their ass off have a little humor or inspiration in their day.

What are you learning during this crisis? How are you going to rise to your potential?

Fear of Not Being Like Them

If you can’t get over your fear of not doing it as well as they do, you’ll never have the opportunity to be a trail blazer for someone else. – Rachel Hollis, Girl, Stop Apologizing

I have a lot of fears in life. I was pretty much only taught how to be fearful. I have let most of my life been run by my fear. In fact, this isn’t the first iteration of me sharing my growth or my struggles with people. I killed each of those blogs because of fear.

Not this time. My dreams have rooted themselves within me and I am pushing back on fear. One of my fears is that, as I grow and as I work towards being a life coach, I will not be as good as the coaches that I follow. I will not be as good as those I look to for mentorship. These fears can easily hold me back. And I’d bet to say they have so far.

But if I live in this fear of not being as good of a coach as them, I won’t ever help the women who need my experience and insight. The reason that each of these coaches that I follow is successful, is that they have different stories and different focuses. Some do primarily one-on-one coaching, some never do. They are all different even though they carry the same title of coach.

If I stay in the fear of not doing coaching as well as them, I will never become a coach. I will never grow this blog into something more. I will stay living in the past and in the pain that I so desperately want to work through.

If I dig in and I do me, if I find my voice, I can inspire and help countless women. Women who relate to me. Women to want to hear what I have to say. Women who are going through similar experiences to what I’ve gone through. Women who like me for me. If I dig in and realize that being different is a good thing, I can accomplish my dreams.

I have to get out of my own way. I have to stop living in fear and living in the past. It is time to set all of my fears and anxiety aside and start pushing myself. It sure as hell isn’t going to be easy. And I sure as hell will offend some people. Probably even some of my family and close friends. But my dreams are my dreams and I need to pursue them.

Are you living in fear or are you pursuing your dreams?

 

Inconvenience

What does inconvenience mean to you? Is it about things? Or time? Or ….. you?

Whaaaattt did she just say?

Have you ever felt like you are an inconvenience?

No? It’s just me? Okay…

Well, I want to talk to you about it anyway. A lot of women feel like they are an inconvenience for just about everything. Sometimes we can go days or weeks without the feeling, other times it doesn’t feel like we can’t go minutes without feeling like our existence is an inconvenience.

I’m not early? I’m so sorry I inconvenienced you.

Will you please help me pick that up? Thank you, I’m so sorry for inconviencing you.

No, I’ll be just fine after surgery without extra help. Silently thinking “I don’t want to inconvenience you by letting you help us”.

Why? Why do we feel this way? Chances are it stems from our childhood. There can be many situations we encountered as kids that made us feel this way. Mine, well I was always the child who got in trouble for everything. And my parents relied on absolutely everybody else to take care of them.

Fast forward to me living on my own and going through shit adult life throws at me, and here comes the inconvenience feeling. Over and over again. The most impactful, most recent instance is coupled with my upcoming surgery.

My mother-in-law said she would come help us. I said okay. We went about life and I went through the scheduling process and she planned to help my sister-in-law with the kids during that time. I read the text as she was conflicted so I responded that we would be perfectly fine and not to worry.

Well, her original plan changed for that time, and I felt less than. I did it to myself. She probably felt I didn’t want her around for my surgery when it is the complete opposite. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I don’t want her to miss on time with her grandkids to sit here and help me get food or pick something up or walk to the bathroom or shower. I don’t want to steal time from her. I also don’t want to rely on anybody for help.

I am a serial avoider of inconveniencing or relying on other people. It makes me feel so, so fucking horrible inside.

Sound similar?

How do we overcome it?

By letting people help. It doesn’t have to be big gestures to start. Something small. Let someone bring a dish the next time you invite them. Let someone help setup chairs for a BBQ. Let someone cook instead of you. Ask for someone to grab you a beverage. Little things can get us used to the feeling. Little things can chip at the wall we have built.

My little thing? I let my husband set the egg plate down for BOTH dogs yesterday. When I fry eggs for breakfast, I always make the dogs one each. We give the eggs to the dogs after we finish our breakfast. We put the dogs plate on the floor, but we go through the sit and stay process to try to teach them manners. I get Chloe and my husband gets Radar. Eddie has offered to take both dogs for many weeks and I keep saying no.

Yesterday I let him. And it killed me. Today I asked him to de-tail the shrimp at the sink so I didn’t have to stand that long.

Inch by inch. That is the only way I can heal and learn how to let others do for me.

When others offer to help or when we occasionly ask for assistance, we aren’t sucking the life out of others. Most of the time, they probably don’t even notice. We only notice because of our fears and anxieties that we haven’t grown through.

To be able to grow, we need to challenge ourselves. I don’t believe there is any such thing that will heal us instantly as if a switch is flipped and we lose our fears and anxieties. I don’t think every method to overcome them works for every person. What I do think is that the only way we will heal is to try. Sometimes trying hurts. That’s okay, try again another time.

In my case, I fear relying on people and being an inconvenience, but I also fear losing those same people. Pushing them away.

Competing fears makes healing more difficult. But with determination and time, with trying different methods, it can be done.

You are not an inconvenience. I am not an inconvenience. We are human and humans need each other. There is a fine line of accepting graciously and abusing kindness of others. Why stay in the dark and push people away when we can accept love?

Well, that happened…

Once again, it’s been a couple months. I definitely haven’t been consistent at sharing life I had wanted to. I could sit here and beat myself up, telling you how awful I feel, how awful of a person I am because there is no way that I should expect you to keep following me. I could.

But I’m not. Life happens. I started questioning whether I really wanted to keep sharing with you. I questioned whether I was strong enough to get to a point that I have critics who berate me in the comments. I questioned whether the energy was worth it.

To me it is. This past week I came across a new blog for me to follow. She is doing exactly what I want to do. I mean, if this chick is doing what I want to, why would I continue?The only difference is, wait for it……….she is different than me. Novel concept, right?

Even though I stopped sharing my days of sharing what I’m doing to take back my life, I’ve still been working on it. When I look back at Day 1: Me, I know I definitely haven’t done everything I wanted to. But that’s okay, I still can.

The most important part is that I’ve continued to take care of myself. Yes, I absolutely have days that I push myself beyond what my back can take. Yes, I’ve watched more TV than I really wanted to. But that is all part of taking care of myself. There are reasons each of those happened. But as I type this, I think about today and what I’ve accomplished.

To some, not a damn thing. To me, a lot. I have had all day, since my husband left at 8 am this morning, to do whatever I wanted. I have watched maybe five hours of TV total. That wasn’t all at once either. I did some personal development. I set out my intentions for this next week. I went and exchanged some new bras I bought that didn’t fit. I washed the comforter on the guest bed. Never mind it is still in the dryer long after the dryer finished. I’ve taken care of me.

I’ve made some changes recently too. I was running a separate Instagram account so I could share whatever I wanted without fear of offending those closest to me and so I had a private account where I can share young family. Well, sorry, but I am at a point I really don’t care what those closest to me think, I have to live MY life true to me. And, I can still share young family, with the permission of their parents.

The biggest thing I’ve worked on in the past few months is being true to who I am. I hope you stay along for the ride, because I want to share my ups and downs on this journey. You are not alone.

Day 4: Proud

Looking for Day 3? Check out my Instagram

In my morning reading, the chapter I read from 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life by Andrea Owen, Don’t Let Comparisons Destroy You, touched on a topic that I really need to incorporate in my life. She asked the simple question “Have you stopped lately to be proud of what you’ve accomplished lately? Or ever?

No. No I have not.

I have always been one to strive for others to be proud of me. I never considered being proud of myself. That didn’t matter. When I read that question, it hit me that I was doing it backwards. I am 32 years old and I have not once been proud of myself. I honestly don’t know why being proud of myself never crossed my mind. I have one specific person that I’ve always wanted to hear the words “I am proud of you” from and never have. So I’ve kept working to hear it. Right now, typing this, I don’t see it ever coming from her. I need to move on. I am moving on.

Starting today I am going to work on checking in with myself and if I’ve made myself proud. As of today, I am proud of myself for being a strong woman, for getting not only by Bachelor degree but also my Master degree, for waiting to marry someone who treated me right, for purchasing our home, for advancing my career to the awesome job I have now, for how dedicated I am to those I love, and most of all, for continuously taking care of my health. I am proud of me.

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Day 2: Perfectionism and Love

Today my focus is on my need for perfectionism and my fear of not being loved. These two thoughts are so tightly wrapped up for me that it feels like a never ending cycle of trying to be perfect so others can love me.

In my growth journey, I’m learning from multiple outlets. Today’s outlet included two different books that actually prompted my focus for the day.

Perfectionism is something I really need to focus on every day because it rules every aspect of my life. I had gotten really good at not needing to be perfect for others’ love, then the infertility journey hit and the fluctuations in my hormones from the treatments really messed with me. The new focus I’m going to implement in my life comes from 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life by Andrea Owen. In the chapter Pursuing Perfection is the Race to Nowhere, she talks about recognizing our perfectionistic inner critic and personifying it. She recommends giving it a name and character features. Ms. Owen recommends doing personifying your perfectionistic inner critic so that you can separate it from your true self and then approach it with compassion.

I really like this idea and so I’m going to work on developing a persona for my perfectionistic inner critic. I’m most likely going to also tell me husband about her so when I’m in a perfectionistic breakdown or tirade, we can identify it more readily.

This is my step one to overcoming perfectionism.

Being loved is something I have always struggled with. I do not feel like I grew up with love or even knowing what it meant to be loved. I have looked for love in all the wrong places and a lot of the right places, but not the most important place as often as I should.

I fell into working on my fear of not being loved through the second question in 3000 Questions About Me that I picked up. I bought this book because I recently realized that I have not expanded my views as much as I could. Just skimming the book gave me thoughts to ponder that I had never considered.

Today’s question was a simple one: What is your greatest fear?

Immediately the answer of not being loved came to my mind so much that I felt it in my heart that I needed to explore it.

A light bulb went off. I try to be perfect because I fear if I’m not perfect for each and every person in my life, I can’t be loved. I fear that I am not lovable. I fear that I don’t do enough for others to allow me to be loved. I fear that if I do for me before anybody else, then I should not be loved.

I had a brief conversation yesterday with a close friend that led to me explaining the condition of my back and inability to do much without pain and her indicating she hadn’t realized it was so bad. I told her that is because I don’t share things in my life so I don’t burden others so I can be their support system. Somehow, in my mind, I feel that to be loved, I need to shoulder everyone else’s worries and not share any of mine.

I’ve also felt that since we decided to live our lives without kids (no more infertility treatments, no adoption, etc), we are not going to receive the same love from family that others who have children do.

One point I have learned over the years is, that to be loved by others, I need to first love myself. I can honestly say that as of right now, I like myself. I am struggling with loving myself because I feel broken and incapable with being sidelined by my back. I don’t like depending on others for anything. I am also struggling with my weight. I’m right in the healthy weight for my age and height, but I am not fitting into clothes as I once did. I gained weight from the infertility treatments and working crazy hours sitting at the computer for months on end. I was just getting back into a regular fitness routine when my back flared up. Every day is a challenge and I’ve been working on loving my body more by buying clothes that fit and are comfortable. It has been helping. Every day, I am closer to loving myself. As I love myself more, I need to learn what it means to be loved by others. I honestly have no idea. Thankfully I know and feel the love from Eddie, but he is here with me every single day. Now I just need to learn what it means for others to love me without the feeling that I need to be perfect for each and every one of them.

Perfectionism and love, two feelings intertwined so much that they need worked on together.