Sabotage

I’m sabotaging myself. Yeah, you read that right. I have realized that I quickly and frequently sabotage myself in many, many ways. The most common is in my professional career. 

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Episode 35: Sabotage

Failing Imperfectly
Failing Imperfectly
Episode 35: Sabotage
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After finishing Believe IT by Jamie Kern Lima, I realized I have been sabotaging myself. In this episode, I talk about what I mean and the realization that I came to.

Who Are You When No One Is Watching?

Who are you when no one is watching? Trent Shelton asked this question on a recent podcast, and it gave me all of the feels. Who am I? Who am I in front of other people? Who am I when I am solely in my own company? Do I know?

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Episode 34: Who Are You When No One is Watching

Failing Imperfectly
Failing Imperfectly
Episode 34: Who Are You When No One is Watching
/

I’ve heard of this concept before, but hadn’t really considered it. There is something about how it was presented in the podcast I heard about it in that made me reconsider it. Have you considered it? Do you know who you are or who you want to be when no one is watching?

Do I Belong?

Empaths tend to have a difficult time feeling as though they fit in. To make it even worse, we also tend to isolate ourselves. Together, these two things keep us in this constant feeling of being lost. At least that is how I interpret the feeling.

For about 99 percent of my life I have tried to fit in. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to have a group of friends like everyone else did. I wanted to share clothes with my friends. I wanted sleepovers like the movies portrayed. I wanted a really close extended family. I constantly morphed myself to fit in. It was almost like that was the only thing I was focused on; as if once I fit in I would finally be happy.

I still struggle with wanting to fit in, with wanting all of these feelings, but now I realize that my life is my life and I can have some or all of that without necessarily fitting in. Yes, I still feel as though I don’t fit in with specific groups or people, but that is okay. We, I, don’t have to fit in with absolutely everybody we, I, interact with or share DNA with.

With learning that I don’t have to fit in to have what I want out of relationships, I’ve also learned that it is absolutely fine if I really don’t want to do that thing or go to that party. If I want to stay home alone and have more me time, who cares. As a child I really enjoyed doing my own thing. I would play by myself outside or read by myself inside. As an teenager and adult I pushed myself to always be available and to always do everything that could possibly come up.

Until recently. I have started saying no to events or things that I simply do not want to do. I have started spending more and more time alone. Eddie went to help his cousin bring back furniture from his parents over a long weekend and I took that entire weekend to myself. I have a vacation coming up that has lost all of it’s original plans and I now plan to spend most of that week primarily by myself.

For some people isolation is hell, they simply don’t know what to do with themselves without people around. I am not one of those people. I am so much more inspired and energetic when I am on my own time and my own schedule. Isolation is generally pure bliss to me.

It’s odd how two of the qualities of being an empath are so different. With feeling as though we don’t fit in, the feeling is about being with other people. With needing or enjoying isolation, the feeling is about being alone. In my experience, this is an internal fight that we each battle, sometimes on a daily basis. We really want to go to that BBQ, but we really want to stay home and read this book…alone. We Sometimes really want to go do something with a few people or a big crowd, but then need to isolate after to decompress. It’s a battle we fight and an internal battle that will never be conquered for life. This battle can only be won or lost in each individual situation.

We empaths can both want to fit in and want to isolate. Regardless of where we are today, we belong in that place. Whether we are fitting in or we are isolating, that is where we belong at that moment.

Why Personal Development?

I thought I would take a moment to give you a little history on how I got here, to this blog, to wanting to become a life coach.

It all started (damn I sound old) when I opened my mind to Beachbody coaching. Nope, I’m not selling you on anything, I am no longer selling the product. I had wanted to workout but couldn’t find anything that called to me. Then a friend introduced me and I signed up. I signed up as a coach because I saw the earning potential and the Facebook profiles of some of the top coaches. One of the main suggestions to be a successful coach is to do personal development.

I had been against even considering a self-help book ALL of my life. I was of the opinion that I may be a fucking mess, but I don’t need psychologists telling me how to live my life. They don’t know me. But, I wanted to be a successful Beachbody coach so I gave it a shot. The first two books I read were You are a Badass by Jen Sincero and #GIRLBOSS by  Sophia Amoruso. They had me hooked. They were relatable and not filled with scientific jargon that made me feel stupid.

I kept reading and listening to more and more of these books. I started listening to podcasts. I dug in and really started learning and working on my own growth. I had a different blog at the time and I did a lot of posts on social media to meet what was being taught as was required to get customers.

Then life changed, infertility hit and I decided to quit coaching. I read/listened less often and leaned into the emotions and pain that accompanied infertility and the treatments we chose to do. I was in this place for a couple years and they were difficult years.

Then after a particularly boozy Christmas in 2018 and talking with one of my best friends, I started making goals for 2019. I dug deep and I really looked into what I wanted life to be. I started following Rachel Hollis more closely, I leaned into the overlanding and offroading community that I was becoming part of. I started following a local overlander/off-roader that I heard speak at the local off-road expo. I started reading and listening to personal development again.

I knew there was more out there for me. I knew I felt so much better with my emotions when I worked on healing. So that’s why I turned back to personal development. I had recently gone to therapy, but I honestly felt worse after I left. When I would talk about someone who was causing me a lot of emotional pain, she completely validated and expanded that feeling and told me to remove that person from my life. Not possible this time. And in my heart, I knew that wasn’t the answer.

I keep coming back to personal development because I keep reading and listening to advice from people who I can relate to. I don’t read just any book because it has a catchy title or is best selling. I choose books based on previous authors I’ve related too and the content. I don’t just read headlines. I need to read a chunk or listen to the sample before I can commit.

I signed up for life coaching to really dig deep this year and it has changed my life. Personal development, self-help, whatever you want to call it, it isn’t as crazy as I once thought it was. I gave it a shot, twice, and it has changed my life. I am healing from the inside out and it feels so good.