It’s Easy For Her…

…there is no way I could ever be like her.

comparison kills creativity. (1)

Have you ever thought that? I have. It is defeating. It is depressing.

But there is so much wrong with that thought. It took me years to realize it and learn how to overcome it every time that I encountered it.

Now, I see that others might be thinking the same thing about me. No, I’m not getting conceited on you. I’m acknowledging that I am further along in my personal growth journey than some and that might be intimidating.

That thought, “It’s easy for her, there is no way I could ever be like her” is a comparison. It is a comparison that I’ve made for every step of my life. Do any of these sound like things that you have thought?

Yeah, but it won’t be easy for me…

I’m too far gone to be helped…

I don’t know how or where to start…

Self-help/Self-development is for people who are extremely fucked up, that’s not me…

When I first was presented the idea of personal development, I had the last thought. I seriously was of the mindset that only fucked up people read self-help books. I judged them before I ever gave them a shot.

Then people I knew were recommending a couple books in that space and the books didn’t sound like they were weird. So I started reading. All it takes is one step to start.

You have taken that step. You are reading this blog. I share personal development, self-help information. I share my journey through it all.

Personal development isn’t easy. It isn’t because going through the work to truly grow is emotionally and difficult. It takes time. It takes dedication.

In my opinion, nobody is too far gone. Each of us can take a little step every single day. Little steps are how I’ve gotten to where I am. It didn’t happen overnight. 

Again, you’ve already started, you are here. Blogs, books, podcasts, etc. There are so many resources out there depending on what you feel you need to work on. If you don’t know how to determine what to work on, go back to my post about thought work. You can sit and work through your thoughts that are plaguing you. Thoughts always plague us.

I know you’ve probably heard this multiple times, but stop comparing yourself to others. Even as you are growing, comparing yourself to the influencers and to those of us who are a little further along can be painful for you. All you are doing by comparing yourself is strengthening your insecurities. You are making the things that you want to change worse than they already are.

If you want to change something, you can’t compare yourself to someone else. Your journey is different than mine. Your issues (yeah, we all got issues) are different than mine. Your dreams are different than mine. Your situation is different than mine.

It wasn’t easy for me.

I started and stopped in my personal growth journey multiple times. I have battled with some of my issues over and over and over again. There are times that I feel like I’m doing really awesome with one thing and bam! that thing rolls me. Everything I share here is after I’ve done continuous work over long periods of time. I have a lot of life to unpack. I have a lot of work to still grow through.

It isn’t easy for me. I have had to make some big changes in my life just to get to where I want to be. I’ve made big changes to get to this point today. I still struggle with my growth.

It isn’t easy for me and it won’t be easy for you.

Why Personal Development?

I thought I would take a moment to give you a little history on how I got here, to this blog, to wanting to become a life coach.

It all started (damn I sound old) when I opened my mind to Beachbody coaching. Nope, I’m not selling you on anything, I am no longer selling the product. I had wanted to workout but couldn’t find anything that called to me. Then a friend introduced me and I signed up. I signed up as a coach because I saw the earning potential and the Facebook profiles of some of the top coaches. One of the main suggestions to be a successful coach is to do personal development.

I had been against even considering a self-help book ALL of my life. I was of the opinion that I may be a fucking mess, but I don’t need psychologists telling me how to live my life. They don’t know me. But, I wanted to be a successful Beachbody coach so I gave it a shot. The first two books I read were You are a Badass by Jen Sincero and #GIRLBOSS by  Sophia Amoruso. They had me hooked. They were relatable and not filled with scientific jargon that made me feel stupid.

I kept reading and listening to more and more of these books. I started listening to podcasts. I dug in and really started learning and working on my own growth. I had a different blog at the time and I did a lot of posts on social media to meet what was being taught as was required to get customers.

Then life changed, infertility hit and I decided to quit coaching. I read/listened less often and leaned into the emotions and pain that accompanied infertility and the treatments we chose to do. I was in this place for a couple years and they were difficult years.

Then after a particularly boozy Christmas in 2018 and talking with one of my best friends, I started making goals for 2019. I dug deep and I really looked into what I wanted life to be. I started following Rachel Hollis more closely, I leaned into the overlanding and offroading community that I was becoming part of. I started following a local overlander/off-roader that I heard speak at the local off-road expo. I started reading and listening to personal development again.

I knew there was more out there for me. I knew I felt so much better with my emotions when I worked on healing. So that’s why I turned back to personal development. I had recently gone to therapy, but I honestly felt worse after I left. When I would talk about someone who was causing me a lot of emotional pain, she completely validated and expanded that feeling and told me to remove that person from my life. Not possible this time. And in my heart, I knew that wasn’t the answer.

I keep coming back to personal development because I keep reading and listening to advice from people who I can relate to. I don’t read just any book because it has a catchy title or is best selling. I choose books based on previous authors I’ve related too and the content. I don’t just read headlines. I need to read a chunk or listen to the sample before I can commit.

I signed up for life coaching to really dig deep this year and it has changed my life. Personal development, self-help, whatever you want to call it, it isn’t as crazy as I once thought it was. I gave it a shot, twice, and it has changed my life. I am healing from the inside out and it feels so good.

Words of Affirmation

I started listening to The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. I’ve taken the quiz before, in fact, multiple times, but I had not yet read or listened to the book. I can’t even remember what I determined my love language is. As of writing this, I can’t even tell you all of the love languages.

What I can tell you is what I realized about myself in the first hour and fifteen minutes of the book. Gary Chapman talks about all the different types of affirmation and provides amazing examples of each. He also talks about being able to provide others with words of affirmation.

I thought I was really good at giving affirmation until I heard Dr. Chapman explain it further. That’s when I had an aha moment. I am really good at saying ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ and extremely good at apologizing for everything. What I’m not so good at is complimenting or recognizing small acts.

One thing Dr. Chapman talked about that made complete sense to me was that those of us who rarely or never heard words of affirmation, don’t necessarily know what we aren’t saying.

I think I’ve touched on this before in another post or on my Instagram, but I am one of those people who pretty much never heard any words of affirmation. I wasn’t told that I was doing a good job in school, that I was pretty, that I had a great personality, that I was good enough just as I am, that I did a good job keeping the house clean, or anything similar. I was criticized and made fun of, even by my parents. I heard, at least graduate high school before you get pregnant; you are big-boned; look at that bubble butt; you are just afraid of needles; if you are going to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about; you are just like your Aunt K; stop being so bossy; and so much more.

I don’t remember my parents telling me they love me except for when my mom was begging me to give her money. I think my mom might have told me she was proud of me at my college graduation, but I didn’t want her there so I wasn’t in the mood to even talk to her. And I really didn’t.

I learned at an early age that I wasn’t going to get love from my parents so I wanted it from the people they complained about the most, their sisters and brothers and their spouses. I can look back now and realize that what I needed most during those formative years in my life were words of affirmation. I needed love through words.

I can think of a few friends who give me words of affirmation and I don’t know how to receive them. At the same time, I feel like an ass because I suck at doing the same without being prompted. I can think of instances where I could have given words of affirmation to many people, but I didn’t.

Regardless of other people’s love language, I want to be better at freely giving people words of affirmation. I don’t know if it will make someone’s day or if it will roll off their shoulder. What I do know is that there just might be someone out there that doesn’t know what they need to hear until it is said.

How often do you give words of affirmation? What about receiving words of affirmation? What was the last thing you remember being told? How did it make you feel?

Funny enough, one of the things I recently was told on one of my Instagram posts was that my eyebrows were on point. I remember that every day. It makes me feel so good.

How can you make someone’s day?

Stupid

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While reading an e-book from Andrea Owen in her Kick Your Gremlin’s Ass coaching, I came across this quote. It hit me hard. You see, this is me.

I am completely and utterly afraid of looking stupid. In front of anyone. Everyone. Just me.

Yes, just me. I am absolutely my worst critic.

I know why I have this fear. It isn’t some secret. It stems from my childhood. My parents weren’t stupid, but in each of their own ways, they weren’t that smart either. They stayed in the life of blaming everyone else for what they didn’t know and how their life ended up.

Simple things from my childhood have come up since I left on my own that make me feel utterly stupid because it is what I was told or the impression I was given by my parents. For instance, my mom would get out of the shower and say that a “spitter” has joined her. For most of my life, I thought she meant a spitting spider. It wasn’t until I started hearing others say they found a spider in the shower that I started getting curious. My mother was just saying spider in a different way.

Except, to me, it wasn’t just different. It was absolutely childish and stupid of her to say. So I never wanted to be that stupid. I try my damndest to say every word correctly. I do not want to mispronounce or change the way a word is said because I don’t want to look or sound stupid.

I won’t ask for help in stores. I won’t admit if I don’t know something. I won’t admit if I don’t know how to do something. I do not want to look stupid.

I refuse to be considered stupid.

I mean, it hurts with everything I am to look stupid. I get the worst gut wrenching feeling if I think someone might think I’m stupid or acting stupid. I mean, I can’t even let myself be silly because I don’t want to look stupid.

And then the lightbulb went off when I saw this quote.

Who’s definition of stupid am I afraid of?

Who truly might think I’m stupid? This, this right here is why I’ve let myself be trapped in my fear of looking stupid.

But if I stay hidden behind this fear, I’m not going to live my best life. I am not going to be the happy person I want to be. I cannot work on everything else that I struggle with and not work on this fear.

I have no answers of how I’m going to work on this specific fear. I have no insight to share of the steps to take to overcome it. But I can share what steps I’m taking within just a couple hours of reading this quote that will be a step in changing my life.

I’m writing this post. I’m admitting my fear. Putting it out there.

I’m printing this quote and putting it up by my makeup station to read every morning.

I am going to challenge myself so my inner critic can tell me that I look stupid, and then I’m going to work through that.

I’m going to enlist my husband in helping me.

I will start to ask for help in stores.

I will allow people to help me.

I don’t know why it took so long for a quote to illuminate this lightbulb, but I’m going to embrace that it has finally happened. I am going to work through the gut wrenching pain and anxiety.

I am going to take back my life and live it the best that I can.

I am going to face the fear of looking stupid head on.