That is my usual response. I guess that isn’t his intention. But I don’t understand or I read into the meaning of his words. It happened again today.
I was so offended. It was a simple statement that he made. I’m used to jumping to my defense and feeling like shit for something that I did or didn’t do. I don’t even actually analyze if the statement was intended that way. I just go straight there.
It was a simple statement – “Just wanted to make sure you got them.” Well how the hell am I supposed to know I’m supposed to grab their chairs too? No I didn’t get them. Thank you for making me feel like shit. Thinking and wanting to give in to the urge to hang up.
He did nothing wrong. I took it wrong. I do this ALL the time. I take simple statements wrong. Then I blame him for making me feel like shit and I fly off the handle. Then go cry somewhere because I’m a horrible person for doing something wrong. Because I have to be perfect so I don’t offend anyone. Ever.
This is me. This is my daily struggle to overcome. Some days are easier than others. Some days are worse than others. Some days are just peace. Some days, I can’t believe he is still with me.
In my quest to grow and learn from my mistakes, I need to start realizing when I do this and change my reaction. Immediately.
But why do I jump to this reaction immediately? Because it is habit. Seriously, that is the ONLY reason.
It is habit because I was always wrong. I always did everything wrong. The key word here is ‘was’. Why can’t I let go of the past? The past isn’t the present. In his eyes, I didn’t do anything wrong. It is just a simple statement.
The past. The past is what I let continually make me feel like shit. It isn’t him. It is far from being him.
The past. The way I interpret words. Words. Words that I interpret. I interpret them based on the past. The growth will come from new interpretations. New interpretations will come from the present. I need to teach my subconscious to live in the present. I need to teach my subconscious new ways of interpreting simple statements. My subconscious can be trained differently. It isn’t going to be easy. In fact, it will probably be painful. I am the only one that can make myself feel like shit. My subconscious is the root of me making myself feel like shit. It’s time to change my subconscious’ habits. It’s time not to fly off the handle for a simple statement.
The first step is recognizing the habit to change. The second step is growing into a new habit. Step one is right here, in these words. Step two……well, that starts now.